I have suffered from every form of eating disorders you can think of..I'm not proud of that fact, but it is my reality and something that I definitely need to deal with...food and weight and body image has been such a driving force in my life...it dictates my happiness, my confidence, and my self worth...and I just have to wonder at what point does that change...? Will I ever be happy with who I am?? ...with my body, with my life and the choices I have made...I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and continue to do so still today...I know we all make mistakes...but I feel like, at some point, things really just have to look up....to really just fall into place....and the question is when...??
I feel like so much of my life, on the outside, seems to be just right and that I am exactly where I want to be...and that life is just great...but that's just it...it's in the surface...it's what I want people to see...but on he inside, I am so darn torn up and I just don't know what to do...
Almost a year ago now I was admitted to an eating disorder treatment facility...and even at the time I was so torn about that...I knew I needed the help...I knew I needed to get healthy...but at the same time, I don't want to give that up...that is the one thing that truly brought me happiness...i know that sounds absolutely insane, I know that...but that was the one thing that I had complete control over...the way I felt..the feel of my bones and my flat tummy....the way I could just run and run and run...I could work out for hours on end...and it felt soooo good....healthy?? no. But it is what made me feel whole...and I so badly want that back....but at what cost...? Idk. I guess that is what I am trying to figure out....I am almost to my highest weight ever...and it is terrifying, humiliating, and down right disgusting....but I don't know exactly how I am to go about that....
Another thing...which makes me feel like the most terrible person in the entire world...back track a bit...about 10years ago, I was dating this guy...who was incredible...honestly, he was the best thing in my life...there was nothing I wouldn't do for him...then he broke it off in '07...and to this day he doesn't know why...I was devastated and so so heartbroken...I spent so many years searching for someone who could make me feel the way he made me feel...and I went through my fair share of jerks...and none even came close to him and what we shared, and how he made me feel...then 3 years ago, I met this man who is amazing...he loves me whole heartedly, without condition....and I love him, so so much...there is not a doubt in my kind about that....and I know I would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life....he truly is amazing....but at the very same time, I cannot get my old love out of my heart...no matter how hard I try...I always have and still do love him...he doesn't know that...nobody does...and I don't think anyone should...we are still friends and still talk to this day...it's never ever crossed that line...and I know it can't...not so long as I am in a relationship with someone else...that's not me, and I could never hurt anyone like that....but how do I live with that..? How can I feel good about that...? And how does 7 years go by and my heart still hurt for him, and still want him back...and the thing that really scares me...is that if I think about this, and if I am really honest with myself...if my old love was to come to me and say he wanted me back....I honestly don't know what I would say..I know what my heart feels and truly wants...but at the same time...how do I hurt the man I am with now..?? A man who really loves me and has done so much for me...how could I ever hurt someone like that... I am just so lost and so conflicted....and even if there was never a chance in the world for my old love and I....it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way....and that I feel guilty and like I am betraying my current boyfriend...
I have honestly prayed so much about all of this...just in tears and at the end of my rope...I have laid it at the feet of my Lord and I am trying to be patient and to really listen to what He says to me...I know he has a plan for my life, and I will have to be patient....
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