i want skinny back . . . don't care what anyone thinks . . .

Goodness . . . life is such a crazy, unpredictable thing . . . and I am sick of it to be honest! I am going back to the one thing that has always brought me happiness, meaning, and the feeling that I am doing something right . . . and that is ANA. . . and if anyone has an issue with it, they can just stick it!! I am so sick and tired of trying to please everyone . . . at my own expense . . . 

I have lived with ana/mia for most of my life . . . and that is truly the only time that I have been happy with myself . . . last year I was admitted to an ED Treatment facility . . . and it is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me . . . I am almost back to my highest weight ever . . . and I am seriously DISGUSTED with myself!!!! How did I let it get to this?? How did I allow others to push me and do what they thought was right . . . who gives a damn what they think is right or wrong!!! It is not their body, and they don't have to live in it, with the guilt and disgust of what I have become every damn day of my life!!!! So, I am taking back control and giving it up to ana. . . . I am ready now. . . and there is no turning back.. . . this is it. It is time to get back to business and live the way I want to live. . . . not how anyone else thinks I should live . . . I'd love all your support . . . I don't need it, but it sure would be nice. . . .
 
So, here it goes . . . my starting weight is 231 lbs . . .  SICK!!!!!!! how did I get here? This has to change . . .  NOW. Please help me everyone . . . I need this. . . I want this . . . I HAVE to have this . . . I NEED to feel my bones again . . . here goes nothing . . .

I know that this will open me up to a lot of scrutiny and judgement . . . but this is what I need to do . . . so that I don't give up and never go back to this . . . I will keep you all updated with my progress . . . any tips, advice, encouragement, or help is greatly welcomed and appreciated!!!

. . . :)

I was reading an article today...and something really struck home with me....

"Focus on becoming a better me...not a second-rate somebody else."

This just really got me today...so often, I find myself striving to be better, but by somebody else's standards...and I guess I just realized that if I do that, then I will never truly be happy...I mean truly happy...so, I guess that is going to be something that I really work towards...on to bigger and better things;)

Beautiful.

Life really is a beautiful thing....even with all the crazy awful things that are going on around me...I have so much to be thankful for and so much to live for, that it far outweighs the bad! I don't know where I am going, and I don't know what the Lord has in store for me....but I do know that it will be incredible...no matter what it is!

Find the beauty in the little things...it makes life that much more enjoyable;)

Simple things make me happy...

Just the smallest things in life can seriously make my day...like the sunshine here today...things are crazy and chaotic around me and yet I am able to find such beauty in God's creations...you know...yesterday I was so torn and so hurting...and I am still there today...but this beautiful weather is so comforting...and I know the big guy upstairs is looking  over me...and I know it will be what it is meant to be...I just wish I had it all figured out...

Life.

Life is such a crazy, amazing, infuriating, frustrating, and incredible journey...especially when it comes to trying to find yourself and who you really are...to find that place within yourself where you are truly happy...I have been trying to figure that out my whole life, and after 26 years I am still not there...and I have to wonder if I ever will be...??

I have suffered from every form of eating disorders you can think of..I'm not proud of that fact, but it is my reality and something that I definitely need to deal with...food and weight and body image has been such a driving force in my life...it dictates my happiness, my confidence, and my self worth...and I just have to wonder at what point does that change...? Will I ever be happy with who I am?? ...with my body, with my life and the choices I have made...I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and continue to do so still today...I know we all make mistakes...but I feel like, at some point, things really just have to look up....to really just fall into place....and the question is when...??

I feel like so much of my life, on the outside, seems to be just right and that I am exactly where I want to be...and that life is just great...but that's just it...it's in the surface...it's what I want people to see...but on he inside, I am so darn torn up and I just don't know what to do...

Almost a year ago now I was admitted to an eating disorder treatment facility...and even at the time I was so torn about that...I knew I needed the help...I knew I needed to get healthy...but at the same time, I don't want to give that up...that is the one thing that truly brought me happiness...i know that sounds absolutely insane, I know that...but that was the one thing that I had complete control over...the way I felt..the feel of my bones and my flat tummy....the way I could just run and run and run...I could work out for hours on end...and it felt soooo good....healthy?? no. But it is what made me feel whole...and I so badly want that back....but at what cost...? Idk. I guess that is what I am trying to figure out....I am almost to my highest weight ever...and it is terrifying, humiliating, and down right disgusting....but I don't know exactly how I am to go about that....

Another thing...which makes me feel like the most terrible person in the entire world...back track a bit...about 10years ago, I was dating this guy...who was incredible...honestly, he was the best thing in my life...there was nothing I wouldn't do for him...then he broke it off in '07...and to this day he doesn't know why...I was devastated and so so heartbroken...I spent so many years searching for someone who could make me feel the way he made me feel...and I went through my fair share of jerks...and none even came close to him and what we shared, and how he made me feel...then 3 years ago, I met this man who is amazing...he loves me whole heartedly, without condition....and I love him, so so much...there is not a doubt in my kind about that....and I know I would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life....he truly is amazing....but at the very same time, I cannot get my old love out of my heart...no matter how hard I try...I always have and still do love him...he doesn't know that...nobody does...and I don't think anyone should...we are still friends and still talk to this day...it's never ever crossed that line...and I know it can't...not so long as I am in a relationship with someone else...that's not me, and I could never hurt anyone like that....but how do I live with that..? How can I feel good about that...?  And how does 7 years go by and my heart still hurt for him, and still want him back...and the thing that really scares me...is that if I think about this, and if I am really honest with myself...if my old love was to come to me and say he wanted me back....I honestly don't know what I would say..I know what my heart feels and truly wants...but at the same time...how do I hurt the man I am with now..?? A man who really loves me and has done so much for me...how could I ever hurt someone like that... I am just so lost and so conflicted....and even if there was never a chance in the world for my old love and I....it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way....and that I feel guilty and like I am betraying my current boyfriend...

I have honestly prayed so much about all of this...just in tears and at the end of my rope...I have laid it at the feet of my Lord and I am trying to be patient and to really listen to what He says to me...I know he has a plan for my life, and I will have to be patient....